Sunday, September 14, 2008

Doug Stanhope Wants To Save Bristol Palin

Thanks to Mike for sending me this link. Doug Stanhope (a great comedian) has always been great!

Never in history has a woman been under more pressure to keep an unwanted pregnancy than Bristol Palin. She is the teenage daughter of Alaska Governor & Vice-Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin - a conservative, Creationist Christian power-vampire and pro-life huckster who has put Bristol and her un-welcomed fetus at the center of a politico-religious crusade to stop her exercising her constitutional right to terminate the pregnancy.

Rather than sit back and impotently bemoan Bristol's tragic, lonely circumstance, it is time for us - the silent majority - to unite behind this poor, imprisoned woman and save her from both a tyrannical household as well as the horrible nightmare of a forced childbirth.

These are not empty words. I, Doug Stanhope, am offering you, Bristol Palin, the sum of 25,000 dollars so that you can abort your child and move out of that draconian home. I have also set up a PayPal link so that others around the world can help increase this amount to ease the burden of starting out on your own at such an early age.

I was once in a similar situation where I'd accidentally impregnated a girl and she had to make that same fateful decision that now faces you. It was easy for her - she didn't have a fascist, oligarch parent, the entire Republican Party or the sneering eyes of the Christian Right to contend with, much less a daft, puppet boyfriend who's just waiting for the cameras to stop rolling so he can bolt like a gazelle.

We made the right choice and rather than end up bitter rivals in court battles over custody or support, we are great friends who high-five over our decision and have all the free time and disposable income that young mothers never know. I now pay it forward and offer some of that money to you.

You don't need to ruin your future in order to support the megalomaniacal self-promotion of a mother whose every action is rooted in a demonic ego and archaic superstition. Don't become victim of the same pressure that had your brother "volunteering" for duty in Iraq.

Please consider my offer as time is of the essence. You don't want this child, the father certainly doesn't want this child and the world doesn't need another wailing mouth to feed.

I empathize with the amount of attention, pressure and possibly out-right threats you are getting to give birth against your will and I understand that at your age, you may go through with it no matter how much you don't want to. Either way, you have inspired me to try to make a difference.

Even if you cannot take my offer, I will still use my money or money donated through this page to pay for at least one abortion for a disadvantaged teenage girl each year for the rest of my life in the name of your mother. And in my will, I shall have a good portion of my estate turned into the Sarah J Palin Abortion Fund that will help girls from all walks of life from destroying their lives and our natural resources by having children.

You are not alone, Bristol. There are many of us out here who care.

Please show Bristol you care by either donating or signing the guestbook to let her know that there is true love for her outside of her current surroundings.


Christopher said...

Um, dude, this is pretty terrible. It's not even that funny. Part of being "pro-choice" means the choice to keep the baby. We should support her no matter what our personal beliefs are.

Ray said...

That's what he's saying. If she's in a situation where she CAN'T make that choice, he's simply saying there are other options. He isn't saying he'll pay her to have an abortion.

A comedian does one thing and one thing only. Come up with shit no one would think of. If you can't see the joke, I'm sorry.... And shit, even if it isn't a joke, it's a valid point to bring up. She is in a situation that is impossible to allow her to make a choice on her own. Doug's just making that point clear.

Mike Nak said...

Agree... plus abortions are funny!

Ray said...

Right on Mike! One of the comics I work with has a bit, "I'm not pro-choice, I'm just anti-fetus. They've had it easy for too long."

crog said...

Bristol, Let me take your child... I'm a 23 year old boy, with a meager income and no real future, but you haven't taken your SATs. But if I take the child I want it in about a month when it's nice a ripe. Then I want to take those stem cells and cure my friends diabetes.

we all win.

Pat said...

I propose an experiment....

We take two babies,
One will be raised with willpower and survival instincts and know how,
The other, reads the bible every day of its life,
We then take the two of them and drop them in the Alaskan wilderness and point them to the direction of the nearest town and then wait and see who makes it back