Tuesday, August 19, 2008

New Essay!

I know these aren't at all to do with Atheism, but they do stick with the blog title because I am in fact doing them, therefor answering the pesky question, "what would ray do?". ANYWAY, here's the new one, entitled T.G.I.F.A.I.D.S. Let me know what you think.

Dear American Broadcasting Company,


Now that I have your attention, let me spell it out for you.

A. I. D. S.

That’s right. I spelled it out for you. Are you shocked? Angry? Or… are you intrigued? My guess is the latter. And assuming this, I will continue to awe and entice you. Who gets AIDS? Well, you’d be surprised. Apparently, EVERYONE gets AIDS. Well, they CAN get it. I know, I know. I was just as amazed as you undoubtedly are. AIDS isn’t just for gays and black people anymore and its time we did something about it.

That’s why I’ve developed an almost unheard of strategy to stop the spread of AIDS and to bring health and unAIDSness to the masses. Why? Because I care… and no one else is doing a damn thing about it. I’m sure the world will want to give me a Nobel Prize or maybe feel the need to create and even Nebel-er Prize for my efforts, but I assure you my motives are purely humanitarian. Just the satisfaction of knowing I helped is enough. That and maybe an Emmy.

When I first heard about AIDS, I was flabbergasted. My gast was literally flabbered. I remember the day well, it was last Tuesday. “AIDS? That thing from the late 80’s,” I said. And I was right. Only, it didn’t end in the late 80’s like one would assume. No. It held on, much like ABC’s Friday night lineup, TGIF. Like AIDS, it too started in the late 80’s and grew. One would assume that AIDS faded out like the hit family comedy, The Dinosaurs or even managed to hang on as late as Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper. Surely it couldn’t last much longer. You’re wrong. Many fail to realize that it somehow stayed strong with shows like The Hughleys and many, many seasons of Step By Step. AIDS seemed to follow this formula by spreading throughout the world, completely unbeknownst to me and, I’m sure, everyone else.

But as TGIF segued into the wonderful edu-tainment news program 20/20, its time to stop laughing and get serious. We need to rally our people against this terrible and almost completely untalked-about disease. Or virus. Just as Polio was defeated or Lou Gehrig cured Lou Gehrig’s Disease, it is time to raise awareness for this horrible affliction. While I don’t know exactly what AIDS is or does, I have heard it’s pretty bad. Isn’t time we stopped it? Isn’t it time we started talking about it? Hasn’t it been long enough without people hearing about AIDS, or even its apparently benign cousin, HIV?

My proposal is simple; Reinstate the wonderfully fun and entertaining family programming of TGIF and involve AIDS themes in every single show. That’s two solid, quality programming hours of AIDS education. The best part? Fun while you learn. And isn’t that the best part of anything? Now I know that with this venture we will need a host. This host will have to be charismatic, charming, well known and educated in AIDS. This is a steep order, I know. But rest assured, I have thought of everything. The wonderful, sparkling personality of one Mr. Irving ‘Magic’ Johnson should be the perfect Host Shoe to our AIDS Friday Foot. (that analogy was beautiful) I did some research and, while it doesn’t appear that Mr. Magic was ever on TGIF, he does own a TGIFridays. I think that’s pretty close. Kismet?

I know the fine people of ABC are probably concerned with television things like ratings and demographics, but let me ease your query. With another disease, lets say the most popular one, Cancer, falls into demographics limbo. Why? Simple. Only women have breast-cancer and only men have prostate-cancer; Split demographic. But with AIDS, the whole family can benefit! AIDS babies, AIDS kids, AIDS Moms and AIDS Dads. Even Grandpa can get AIDS. It’s a win-win. In fighting AIDS I mean.

In closing, while TGIF was (and can still be!) entertaining and uproariously hilarious, AIDS is a serious matter. With your help, and my brilliant plan, we can bring AIDS to the forefront of the American mind where it belongs. No longer can it be something no one knows anything about. Its time we made AIDS history. And made AIDS history. I meant that two different ways, you know, cure it and also a monumental achievement made by me to cure AIDS.


Raymond Harrington

P.S. – I’m not opposed to having my own show on the new TGIF either. Just so you and I know that. I’m open to anything.


Anonymous said...

But with AIDS, the whole family can benefit! AIDS babies, AIDS kids, AIDS Moms and AIDS Dads. Even Grandpa can get AIDS. It’s a win-win. In fighting AIDS I mean.

I think this is my favorite part. Just the way it rolls off as the reader runs through it. Keep them coming....

Mike Nak said...

Now that's what i'm fucking talking about.